Do you ever have flashes of your childhood that made you feel less than, a failure, a screwup or worthless? I'm pretty sure we have all felt these things to some degree. It's simply a strategy the devil uses and he loves to use it on my self confidence. See this picture below? Satan took full advantage just moments after this picture was taken.
Growing up I never have negative thoughts about my physical self. I was a healthy girl growing up. I was strong and fast. I would run like a deer through the forest behind my house and climb trees with ease. My negative self talk about myself didn't start until I was an adult.
However, self doubt about my worth seems to be a touch point for me. I grew up living next door to my Papaw's dairy farm. My cousin was my best friend and I was only invited to one slumber party in elementary school. Then I was uninvited because she could only invite a few. I went anyway since it seemed I was the only one who had been uninvited and I didn't have the guts to tell my Mom I couldn't go. She packed my bags, took me there and I held my head high.
So, you can imagine that the negative feelings of not being included are just part of me. Being invited to special events however, should mean the world and in some cases they do but in others they feel empty. Especially now with social media invites. I'd rather not go than be the one some one only invited because my name pops up first on most lists. Not many girls can beat 'Aimee' alphabetically. Right?
If I'm "not really wanted" there then I'll make myself useful so maybe I'll at least be appreciated. So lending ahand wherever I can is what I do best at during a party. Tell me where the napkins are and I'll arrange them beautifully. Show me dishes to wash and I'll not leave the sink until they are done. What ever I can do at a social function to help makes me feel included.
The night I snapped this picture I had been in choir practice. I joined hoping that maybe I could actually sing and it's not just an illusion on my part. I also wanted to feel like I was a part of something in our church. Plus I love it. I had our baby girl with me for the last 30 mins of practice and she needed a diaper change. The room you see her sitting in is a beautiful mother/baby room.
I walked into the room and smiled. It was even more beautiful that it was months earlier when I would sit in there with the baby. I was changing her diaper and in awe of the new white rug. I was impressed with all the drawers that were neatly labeled and held diapers of all sizes. The diaper genie was new and clean. I was just in awe. I sat the baby on the soft rug and washed my hands. Then walked over and snapped a picture of her playing. That's when the unthinkable happened. It was like a scene out of a movie.
I carefully packed everything back in my bag but somehow my stainless insulated mug with tea and fallen over and was filling my bag with tea. I picked it up and turned around. When I did, tea flew across the entire room. Across the beautiful white rug, all down the new diaper genie, splattered on the clean hard wood floors and I gasped!
I didn't know where to start, clean the rug or stop the tea from spilling further. I sat the bag in the floor away from the rug and started cleaning it out. The choir book, baby's diaper bag, my phone, my keys, everything eas getting wet. I didn't even think I had that much tea to begin with.
I started blotting the rug...I started to panic. It wasn't working. The sticky stained mess was spreading. It was like I was part of a trauma team in a hospital.
As I was cleaning the hardwood I swear I heard a...
This is just typical Aimee to be so irresponsible and careless as to RUIN someone's hard work. I almost cried.
There was was that sinking feeling. That one that indicated to me that I had messed up, there's evidence everywhere and I was worthless. As I sat on my knees alone in the floor I used baby wipes to clean what was left. Tossed it all in the trash and looked around. The devil was doing a real number on me. I didn't belong there. I didn't deserve to even step foot into that beautiful room again.
On the way home I was listening to Beth Moore and heard her say "He will use this for YOUR GOOD!" She said it over and over. Why is it I believe in Him so much but don't believe He will make all of my mess GOOD. Romans 8:28 is a reoccurring theme lately. Do I believe it's for me? I believe it for everyone else.
So my little episode that looked like I should have been on film as a funny joke for others was going to be used for GOOD.
Those feelings are feelings and feelings aren't truth. God's WORD is truth.
The problem with the world now is they we rush around feeling everything instead of standing on God's Truth.
From now on I will say "get behind me Satan" and tell myself it's all for my own good. I recommend you do the same.
This morning I sat up, hung my short legs off the side of my bed with my toes feeling the carpet below. My eyes still closed, I sat for a long minute. As my senses tried to take in that I was alive and awake my mind tried to tell me the dream world was absolutely less busy than my day was about to become. I sat and then slid and placed my full weight on my tried nearly 39 year old feet. My knees cracked as I stood and started to shuffle to the bathroom, then my paced picked up as I head down the hall to flip light switches and wake my boys. The girl gets to sleep. They all have school today. Even the littlest boy gets to play and paint today.
The largest of the 4 boys doesn't budge as I tell him to get up. The 2 middle boys are in a twin bed together and one stirs only to steal the covers from the other. I shuffle my tired feet back down the hall to the smallest boy's room and turn his light on. I walk to his closet and pick out some comfy play clothes. He pops up and said "Sleep Momma" to let me know he slept and I should be so proud.
I dress him and then dress myself. I pull out my running socks which I haven't seen in over a month. I remind the older boys it's time to get up and head downstairs, tiny boy in tow.
I start preparing my mental checklist of everything I need to do in the next 45 mins before leaving. My husbands day off is today and so he gets to rest but I have big plans. Today I get to run. Yes, my short legs and tired feet will run.
I feed my hungry little men breakfast as they come down the steps. 2 want something warm and cooked and 2 want a breakfast bar. We grab up our bags and head out, I shuffle kids from one end of the county to school and back only to then drive to the other end for my run. My mind and body are hungry for this much needed time.
During my run I pull up my Audible books and hit play on "Uninvited" and take off. I'm slow, so imagine that I run with a bounce and my ponytail swinging and not slugging away at each mile like I actually do.
Towards the end of my run the author starts talking to me. Directly to me. It's crazy how an author can do that and then to hear an audible voice from your Audible App start to tell you exactly what your heart needed to hear, I am blown away. Brought to tears. I make a fist of victory and say "thank you Jesus" because this best selling author wrote this book for this very moment. Let me explain...
The other day I sat down in my closet with my Bible open in prayer and I looked down. What I saw and written on that page in my Bible I had written years before. It was like a message from the past that my past self wrote to my future self. I sat and looked at the words as if they were trying to jump off the page, they were kind of prophetic but they were words that God has laid on my heart years ago. I don't remember writing them but at this moment I'm glad I wrote them down.
The first word was "write". The word write has significant meaning to me. I have always been a casual reader, I do love books. What I love most about books, and what I love most about reading, is that it's an opportunity for someone to write to the future. Perhaps that's why my degree is in Reading. When we as readers read anything it was written by someone in the past bit could be seconds in the past, days, years, centuries. That connection to me has always been powerful.
The second word on that page was the word "adoption". Adoption! How long ago did I write that word? Adoption has been on my heart for as long as I can remember. Since even before my husband and I had our own children we considered adoption. It's as if my past self was telling my future self that this was something I needed to take seriously. And we are.
The third word that was on my list and the final word was "provide". What I had written out beside that word was "marketplace". The marketplace is an endless source of income. It's a source of provision for my family. The marketplace has been where much of the provision that I have provided for my family has come from since my children were little. It's not the most dependable. But it's wide-open, and it's very deep.
Through this audible book God was speaking. God has been calling me to write for a very long time. Years ago when I was blogging regularly I started something that He needs me to finish. I started a book that I didn't know was going to be a book. It's a book that was written during a very dark time in my life. We don't often share our darkness with others. We don't share our struggles like we should sometimes. But I took that darkness and I took that hurt and I took all of the negative things I was feeling towards my marriage and I cast them at my Saviors feet. I opened my Bible and I prayed. I asked God to guide me and show me everything that I needed to learn from Him to heal my marriage, I opened my Bible, and I trusted Him. For 40 days I opened my Bible and He gave me what I needed and I cast that out to the world by way of my blog. My blog was my rooftop. What God was giving me every day I was shouting back out to the world. There's hope! There's healing! And what I realized most of all is that my deep desire to be loved did not rest in my husband alone. The unwavering and undying love I craved came from my Lord Father. It came from the demonstration that my Savior gave the world when He allowed Himself to experience death for my sins. It came from Him. All of it.
And so, as I'm running today I'm thinking about the words that Beth Moore said when she said "what is given to you in the dark is meant for the light". I'm thinking about my "Fervent" Bible study that encourages me to go deep into my prayer closet. I'm thinking about the women in my life that I've never met that have so influenced me to seek out my Father, not only to experience His love but to experience His perfect plan for me. And so I'm going to write I'm going to finish what He started. It might be messy. It might take a lifetime. It might be full of imperfections because of how imperfect I am but it's going to be the task that He gave me in all it's fullness and all for His glory.
I'm going to write.
I'm going to adopt.
I'm going to provide.
All because of Him. All because of his guidance. All because of His plan. All because He is asking me to step out of my comfort zone and do the one thing that He needs me to do. That is to share His love. I am sharing with other women and wives the hope that we all can have for the life and marriage that He desires for us with our husbands.
And so as I run, I do it to feel better because my body does get tired. As I write, I do it to feel better because my spirit gets tired. The life that I'm living now is not one that many consider. It's not easy to be a foster mom. It's not easy to provide a foster home. It's not easy to provide in the marketplace. It's not easy to consider adoption. It's not easy to do what you're called to do.
I am called.
I am birth mom to my 3 boys, foster mom to 2 sweet babies, wife to my high school sweet heart, and daughter to my King. I love to write. I am no scholar but I love my Lord and He helps me.