I am living a very good life, I have to say. My journey is blessed.
I did my best to play the hand I was dealt correctly. Mom called it "playing my cards right." I was committed to my high school sweetheart, married him, had 3 beautiful boys, built a beautiful home together, earned 2 degrees, and I get to be a stay at home mom. How did I become so blessed?
I'll tell you a secret...
When I look at my life I compare it to others. Have you ever heard, "comparison is the thief of joy?"
It most certainly is.
I compare my short comings with the women who have spectacular homes, children dressed like gap models, shiny new cars, perfect gift bags at parties, and I even study what they wear. I try to figure out how I can be more like the things I admire about other women.
I compare my lack of short comings too.
I've never been touched by disease or divorce. My kids are healthy and alive.
My husband loves me now more than ever, I have a beautiful home, a debt free car, and like to hand make many of my gifts that I give. I try to understand how my life also seems so perfect and wonder what real testimony is God giving me.
I don't know how to comfort the sick, the mothers of dying babies, the women who have experiences rape, or grieve past abortions. I don't know how to speak to a mother who has miscarried or buried a baby, or endured years of infertility treatments. I don't know what to say to a neighbor who has lost a spouse or a friend caught in the middle of divorce. So many things I feel unequipped for.
He doesn't call the equipped...He equips the called. That is such a mystery to me. He leaves me amazed at this concept.
Someone asked me the question:
"Has there been a time when you felt punished by God? How has that affected your relationship with Him?"
My answer:Jake's genetic disorder, closing the doors of my business, arms that are empty of my daughter, a time when my marriage was loveless....I feel I should be punished more severely. I feel as though I am waiting in expectation for a tragedy that resulted from my sins and all the awful things I have done. When I bring my worship to God on Sunday morning, it feels unworthy. It feels dirty and unclean.
Every time I bathe I think of the filth that has to be washed away and how it collects on my skin everyday. As much as I enjoy a nice hot bath, my bath water never stays clear. It is muddied up with the dirt from the day which must be scrubbed clean. Even the soap leaves a film. Scum!
So, when I hear the words that my Jesus washes me clean, I can't believe it. All of this filth? Really? I yelled at my kids and husband, I threw things, I got angry that the kids didn't do their chores...I'm not their maid. I spoke unkindly about someone I knew and spread gossip. I envied my friends things and I disrespected my husband. I was lazy. My idle hands always mean trouble. Left to my own thoughts, the devil finds a foothold for confusion.
Every time I sweep the floor I am amazed at the filth that has collected in the corners and crevices and hidden places and in plain sight. Sweeping and cleaning is a daily job. It too reminds me of the filth we make daily. Between the dog and 3 little boys the messes are non stop. I see the beauty in my family and life, but whew, the mess we leave behind.
Then I read Psalms 51
In my humanity I feel dirty. My Lord Father doesn't make me feel that way. It's my own expectations and short comings that make me dirty and feel worthless. When David wrote the Psalms he was missing the mark in his own life big time. He wasn't even close getting it right until he was caught in his sin, but He knew what I also know...our God washes it all way for good. There is no daily need to wash, there is no film or scum left behind. The part of me that matters most, my soul, is clean. My heart and my spirit are renewed daily when I seek Him but He has washed my soul clean. I will make mistakes and mess up but He chooses to see only the best in me simply because of my love for Him. Even my love for Him seems small in comparison for all He has done for me. So, it's the overwhelming love that washes over me that leaves me in awe. Me? Really? He did that for me? I'm not deserving of that kind of love.
I can't even give that kind of love back?
He's not asking me too. He's not asking you too.
David simply recognized his human frailty and sinfulness when he saw God's holiness. Whatever sins we try to cover and hide, God will uncover. What we uncover, He covers.
You know, what all this means. As mothers, wives, sisters, and daughters when we love God, we become part of His Will and carry an important responsibility into our "Mission Field". All of those little ones and loved ones around us need for us to speak life into them. We must not only remind ourselves, but remind those in our mission field that they are loved and forgiven. We lift those loved ones up and encourage them to live righteously. We are loved and are worthy. As believers we are washed clean and set apart. We are daughters of a King.
David wasn't a man after God's own heart because David didn't sin.
He was a man after God's own heart because he kept coming back to God.
I am birth mom to my 3 boys, foster mom to 2 sweet babies, wife to my high school sweet heart, and daughter to my King. I love to write. I am no scholar but I love my Lord and He helps me.