I don't know why I write. I feel like most of the time they are just ramblings in my head and I just need to get them out. Occasionally, I receive a kind email or comment thanking me for sharing but for the most part this is just an empty space for me to pour out.
A few days ago I took my middle Little to the dentist for a routine cleaning. Not knowing how long it would be and knowing how my heart was burdened I carried my Bible and journal in with me to the waiting room. As I sat in a corner chair next to the video games to be close to my child I opened my Bible and for what ever reason I thought 2 Timothy sounded like a good book that morning. I love that my Bible gives me a little background knowledge of each book so I can relate to the author and to whom he is writing. This day, I happened to pick a book that is a letter that Paul wrote to his disciple Timothy, his friend, someone he cherished.
I couldn't get past verse 7. I just kept reading 2 Timothy 1:1-7 over and over and underlining words as they grew in importance, I research the footnotes and other information about the women he mentions and the letter began to blossom. As I was sitting there reading they called my Little's name and he went back to see the dentist. He skip hopped back and that was reassuring. For some kids they don't always have a positive experience and it only takes one bad experience at the dentist to ruin it all together. In their hearts they will always believe that something bad could happen again.
In these verses I read Paul reminds Timothy that he has a job to do and it needs to be done. But before that, he expresses his love and belief in Timothy's abilities. He builds Timothy up by reminding hi of his experiences and his heritage. God did not give the spirit of fear.
As I thought about those kids who are afraid and those who are not I thought, you know, it really only takes one bad experience for a person to lose all trust and many, many good experiences to gain it back. So, I thought to myself concerning my own life, "Self, what are you afraid of? God did not put a spirit of fear in you. He gives you power, love and sound mind when you have faith. It's because of your faith that you have these things. So, what are you afraid of?"
When our Lord Father thinks of us He does so with a love that would overwhelm us and we should remind ourselves that we have a legacy to leave in order to for our children to have a heritage to look back on and be reminded of.
As I type much of this from my journal and fill in the gaps I am reminded that just this week, just a few days ago my #faith was threatened. It's times like those that make me rethink or think about why I express my faith so openly. Is it so that I open myself for attack or that I open the possibilities for Christ to reach people's hearts. If I believed the first, I would stop writing and sharing about Christ. I would because I don't like confrontation at all. I don't know what to say in the midst and so I am shaken. However, my fear of rejection is not real. God did not put the spirit of fear in me, experience did.
How should I respond when I feel as if my faith is threatened? Just as Paul suggested Timothy to respond. Respond with love, strength, and sound mind. The Bible is story after story of God's people overcoming rejection by the world. The stories are full of power and miracles Take Daniel for instance...His faith in God set him free, delivered him from the clutch of hate.
I pray that God continue to rescue me from the clutches as I fight the good fight and share with strength, love, and sound mound. I pray He rescue me until my work is finished.
How do you really become humble?
How do you know if you have become humble?
Isn't becoming humble something you shouldn't know that you have become?
So many times in the last few weeks I have had the instructions come across my life that are telling me to be humble.
I look at the piles of laundry on my bed to fold and I'm humbled.
I receive more clothes from my friends for my kids and I'm humbled.
I spend time with caregivers of family and I am humbled.
I watch my husband work to provide for us and I am humbled.
I look at what I've written here and I see the word "I" far to often.\ That's not humbling.
It seems so proud to have a blog that I share with the world so that I can simply poor out my inner Voice.
It feels good to talk to a screen space that's white and blank.
It feels good to type the words in my head and watch them dance straight across the screen into the world.
My words long to pour out of my finger tips. They are itching to cover that blank screen.
How can you wish for the world to hear your inner Voice and remain humble? I looked up the word humble on Google.
Let's talk about humble as a verb. I'm going to do it for you right now....
Tonight I have been working. I have been doing a few calls and I fed my kids pizza because that's what they wanted. That's not bad at all...right? Then, my husband came home and I went downstairs. I could feel myself tense up. I was glad to see him but the Dave Ramsey came out in him..."why'd you buy pizza?" he asked. Because I've been working until just now and I figured I'd be a good mom and feed them something. Then, I asked..."Did you call that customer you were supposed to last night?" His answer was "No" so I started....the result in me explaining why it was important to call resulted in a few exchanges of harsh words and bam...I did it. Like a 2 year old I threw a cup of milk at a his head. I seriously wanted it to hit him. I mean, something inside me wanted him to wear that cup of milk I was holding and it did't stop there, I wanted him to wear that class of ice water on the table. So, I ran up stairs and locked myself in the room for a good cry. I've just humiliated myself. I just demeaned myself and tarnished the good girl reputation I was so proud of. I just did it. I just told you all about it and I am so ashamed.
I'm hot headed and spontaneous sometimes and I do not like that side of myself. My anger rises so fast that I can't control it. I react. Words don't hurt my husband...not sure anything does. What I really want sometimes is for my hurt and anger to just exit me and go ahead and fill the room. I want to rage and let it out. I want to turn a table over. Then after that monster is done, I feel so ashamed. Where does that come from? How can I do better? This isn't me and it is definitely not the me I want to be.
The problem comes with pride. I have been proud and it hurts when my faults are pointed out.
I have not been humble. Everything is always about me.
I'll clean up the milk tomorrow.
I won't be able to erase my mistake.
I won't be able to take it back.
I want to stop saying "I" so much. Even "I" am tired of "me".
Oh my sweet God in Heaven, please help me.
Our Hearts Cry
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you... –James 4:8
“The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will hear Him.”
During my Christian walk I have always pictured God as being far away, far beyond the realms we know but yet in His love knows everything there is to know about me. I picture myself as being removed from Him. Removed meaning that I was once with Him and He bestowed the gift of living on His creation to my soul in this body and desires nothing but the best for me. That feeling was secured by my 4 year old one day as he was telling my neighbor a story. He explained to her, in his very young age of trying to understand where we “come from”, that he was once my brother in heaven and we were together there. Now, I am his momma. The story he told my neighbor astonished us both but gave me a glimpse through the veil of what babies in their innocence know about being with our Father. He knew Jeremiah 1:5 when he was still so small.
What feelings are evoked when you read Jeremiah 1:5?
In 1 Corinthians 8:3, Paul writes “But whoever loves God is known by God”. We are so far removed from being in his presence that our heart only wants to be with Him. As we love Him more, we have more of a desire to please Him and begin to move about this life to work for Him. Our desire becomes that His love is so great; we cannot help but share it. When you are filled with the Spirit, the Helper, His Comforter you no longer feel the separation from Him. He will consume your thoughts and your day.
But when God, who set me apart from my mother's womb and called me by his grace, was pleased. Galatians 1:15
When trying to decide on a particular story to share for this study, the love story that kept coming to the front of my thoughts was The Bible. The Bible is the greatest love story ever written and each story in it is a depiction of God’s love and His desire for us to love Him.
In the book of 1 Kings we can read the story of Elijah. Elijah was so faithful to God. At one point in his story, Elijah builds an alter with 12 stones for the 12 tribes, he laid his sacrifice and drenched it in water. Elijah lifted his prayer to God and cried out that the people would know who to turn their hearts to and God sent a fire from the heavens straight to the alter that was so fierce that it burned everything it touched. The people saw God’s power and turned their hearts to Him.
Are there things in your life that are preventing you from turning your life complete over to God?
What are you turning your heart to?
Some of mine were my business, TV shows I loved, my husband, and more.
“A prayer reveals to souls the vanity of earthly goods and pleasures. It fills them with light, strength and consolations, and gives them a foretaste of the calm bliss of our heavenly home.” St. Rose of Viterbo
Read Proverbs 8
The Excellence of Wisdom
As I read this selection the words and depiction of wisdom crying out sound a bit like my own heart. My heart is crying out to know more about God and the more I know and understand the higher my voice is lifted.
Wisdoms call is brilliant, emotional, poetic and convincing. In Proverbs 8 the “wisdom” refers to wisdom that is an attribute of God Himself, going beyond understanding and right decisions. Wisdom invites all men and women to choose their path of life. She calls the foolish and simple because they need her most. Wisdom is available to all but acquired only by those who love her and seek her.
If you are doing this study, your heart is crying out to know God more intimately. Your deepest desire is becoming more and more to know Him. In one word, what is your heart crying out for?
In Billy Graham’s book: The Holy Spirit, he first discusses the two great spiritual needs…
One is for forgiveness
The other is for goodness.
There comes a time in our spiritual walk that we need to cry out to God for forgiveness. We feel our chest pounding, our face twist in anguish, and our voices we hear cry out. We have been feeling like we are dirty and that little light of Christ we may have in us is hidden and no one knows it’s there. There was a time recently that I had been feeling this way; that my light was hidden. I wrote during worship one morning these words.
“I must shrink my desires for the sake of others but be the smallest brightest light at all times. When you are cleaned up by Christ you become transparent so that your light can be seen and is amplified. Shed everything that you suffer from so that others can do the same. God heals! It’s because of Him my life is possible. It’s a miracle that healing happens, not science alone or God given intelligence. Healing in your marriage, home, finances, and health is what God wants to do. First you struggle, then your cry out and release your burdens, and then you receive the Promise.”
As I wrote this I kept picturing an old oil lamp and how dirty they get. But if you take the time to clean them up, refuel them and put in a new wick, they can light the way. Picture yourself as this oil lamp, it’s all dirty with smut and dust and hasn’t been cleaned in awhile. It doesn’t look completely useless, it just needs some care. So, you clean out all the cob webs on the inside, the smut from the smoke, the dust and grime and shine it up a bit. But then, you relight that flame and it burns bright, bright so that everyone can see you coming in the dark. The light of Christ is there, we just need to clean away all the fifth from our lives. Clean out those works of the flesh…
“Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousness, outburst of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you…” Galatians 5:19-21
“If you believe in Jesus Christ, a power is available to you that can change your life, even in such intimate areas as your marriage, your family relationships, and every other relationship. Unfortunately this power has been ignored, misunderstood, and misused. By our ignorance we have short-circuited the power of the Holy Spirit.” Billy Graham: The Holy Spirit
What my heart had been crying out for was the Spirit. I knew I loved Christ. I knew that God blessed me. I knew that I still felt that something was missing. I cried out to God to fill me up, I was his vessel and I reached out to receive but there was a problem. The problem was me.
During this study we will be reading God’s Word on the Promise of the Holy Spirit, the Promise Fulfilled, and receiving the Spirit. I do not choose to hold out on you how amazing it is to receive the Spirit.
Receiving the Spirit is personal for everyone; everyone feels something different and experiences something amazing, something so supernatural it seems out of this world. This is exactly what I would expect from my Father.
Pray that God open your heart to what you are about to learn and share with me. I am a student of the Holy Spirit always.
The Holy Spirit Promised
When Christ was with His disciples he was preparing them for what He knew was the end. His heart ached for them because He knew they would not understand. Can you imagine knowing your death and how you would speak to your loved ones concerning your death. Can you imagine the love that you would speak into them, the strength and encouragement you would give? Jesus went a step further and made a promise to them. Read John 16:5-7
What does Christ promise?_______________________________________________
The promise was based on the word of the Lord Christ. Notice that there are NO conditions attached. The Helper is not for some and not for others but for everyone. It was also necessary for Christ to leave us so that He could send the Spirit because with the Spirit all disciples could have His power. They would be more powerful on this Earth without Christ’s physical presence than when He was with them in the flesh.
The Promise Fulfilled
Jesus told his disciples he was leaving them for awhile and he did. He died a physical death on the cross and was buried. Can you imagine the doubt that overcame those men who had walked with Christ for so long? Unlike us, they actually walked with Christ in the flesh, saw His works and miracles, and heard His teachings and still the doubt flooded their minds. Praise our Heavenly Father that Christ was about to be glorified. 1 Peter 1:20,21
Wait for the Spirit to come.
This is the part we misunderstand. When we accept Christ and love Him and ask for Him to dwell within us it does not mean that the Spirit fills us completely or at all. There is a period of waiting. We must be ready to receive it and so the Spirit waits. We must be like the disciples, ready to lay down everything and go with Him. We must be willing to leave behind our selfish desires and allow the Spirit to fill us. In order to be filled, we must empty ourselves.
Acts 2:1-4 The Spirit came upon them. For the one for whom they were asked to “wait” had come! The good news: Now, the Holy Spirit is waiting on us!
Yesterday I sat down to write today's study and when finished I wanted to hit delete. Instead, I hit save instead of publish. A good friend once told me, "If it's of God, then He will make the path peaceful and easy". It makes sense; as long as I'm not going against His Will, I won't feel as if I'm swimming against the tide. So, that message from yesterday is sitting in cyber world, waiting for it to become what God wants it to be.
Today however, I was overwhelmed with the desire to leave my child's school and run home to my computer. He gave me a message and it has stewed within me all day.
Today I was at a middle school dance as a chaperon. I was actually excited about it because I was a substitute for a teacher and so I was getting paid to chaperon. The kids came in and the music started and I was standing to the side watching. After a few fun songs a different song played, the lyrics were familiar and the voice was sweet. I thought, "I've heard this song." All the kids ran towards the stage and started dancing like crazy. Then like a punch in the gut I realized what song it was. The song doesn't really matter but it is the nature of the song that has bothered me, it was the clean version being played. It's highly popular and the video shows a girl naked riding a metal ball. The song and artist will remain nameless. When I looked out at those children they were LOVING IT! What I saw was a whole generation of children who are young still and very much of this world. My heart broke into a thousand pieces right there.
I fought back tears. Yes, it's true! What went through my head was "NO!" Don't they know they are all special, don't they know that there is an evil world out there tainting their minds. I never considered myself one of those preachy women who shook her head at the music kids listened to or how they danced. I have become that woman. The funny thing is, I'm cool with it. However, I am not cool with the devil playing with our children. What struck me and truly brought tears to my eyes was thinking about how God must feel. Girls and Boys, not even pre-teen are worshiping the things of this world. They don't know how amazing God is and the goodness He has for us. In Exodus 32:17&18 reminds me of today. God had something amazing for the Israelites but their partying kept them from it.
God has something amazing for us too.
The accounts in Exodus are constant reminders of the good God has for us. Actually, the book of Exodus had a huge part in my personal transformation years ago. The story of God's promise and how we constantly keep ourselves from it amazes me.
Exodus = mass withdrawal, departure, evacuation, leaving
Kind of sounds like the Atlanta Hartsfield Airport to me.
Years ago I did my first Bible study all on my own: me, Bible, and God. It was directed specifically at healing my marriage that felt broken, "Meet Me In The Laundry Room" was born. I personally have completed the study, not once but, 3 times. Each time my marriage changed and grew. It is a personal study that was directed at my heart and one I plan to continue to improve upon. My marriage was renewed and is amazing. God is good!
Recently, God has been working on me about other things...
here's the story as raw and real as I can get.
My dreams are coming true. I am now a stay at home mom again.. I worked my direct sales business to the point that it exceeded my teachers salary and allowed me to come back home to raise my boys the way God intended me to do. Before, I was missing everything and it broke my heart so I came home. More importantly I felt like the one job God had given me I was failing at miserably because of a "career". These were my own personal convictions for my family and they were strong. So, I'm home now and I have all this time on my hands, what's a girl to do.
Well, I start a running group 3 mornings a week and sadly, start watching way too much TV while at home. This was NOT at all what I had intended. I let life get me down. Why? What? Say that again! Yes, I had my dream of being a SAHM again and I was failing at that! I folded clothes slowly during the day so I could catch up on shows on Netflix. In the mean time, I retreated for much of my week and became best friends with my love seat. I started letting people down in my business and THEN one day I went to here a girl speak about everyday idols in our life. I had an idol in my life and it was HUGE and it was letting me down.
The ladies conference I went to was set up, sold out, and planned JUST FOR ME! Kelly Minter was the guest speaker and did you know she drove all the way to my church from her home in Nashville just to talk to ME in that room full of other women! God sent her straight to me to pour into me what HE wanted me to hear. It was the most unreal thing I had experienced in a long time. My heart pounded as she spoke with love and conviction straight into my heart. I could not believe the words she said, she said them for ME. Then I looked around that sanctuary full of other women who sat quite and stunned and I realized...it was for them too. I bought her books and her CD's and took them home and put them on my night stand right along with other books I had been given recently.
God's conviction came down on my heart swift and fierce as I started slowing plowing through the first days study and first chapters of her book. I shared my findings and feelings with others and then popped in a CD. I listened to the days devotions over and over and over because each time I heard something new. That was because I listened to them all distracted by my day but still very hungry to hear them. Then one day something happened that changed my mindset and it was the most powerful day I'd had in a long time.
I had listened to an amazing devotion on that disc and the sweet voice kept saying "if, then" over and over. I glued myself to it and listened. Sunday morning was just the beginning of that powerful day. I walked into our church sanctuary and saw on the big screen
I think I stood with my mouth open during worship. All day God spoke to me about "if, then". "If I did this, then God would do that..." If I kept a clean house, then I would feel at peace. If I talked to more people, then my business would flourish. If I could lose more weight, then my life would be complete. Right? Does that sound anything like what goes through your mind? Do you think anything along those lines, like... If I did this, then my boss would respect me. If I buy this dress, then my friends will not suspect the debt choking us. If I don't pay this bill, then I can buy groceries. What ever your "If, THEN" is...mine was coming.
That evening after God had been showing me signs over and over that He heard my heart, I started reading in the book of Job. In the book of Job there is talk of silver and gold and how...God is my silver and gold. He directs even the lightening, the breeze that blows the flowers, He makes the waves crash on the shore and the sun give us light. I started feeling that there was something MORE, something I was missing, something BIG! Then the pastor preached about God's omnipresence out of Job. "Wow God! Really?" I thought in awe. At the end of the our church service I stood up and tears fell down my face because they couldn't stay swelling in my heart any longer and then it happened... In my mind I said. "Lord, if I am to go to your alter, then the preacher will say the right thing.(what ever that thing was)" As soon as I thought it I wanted to hit the floor. In hindsight I knew nothing the preacher said would have been right because my heart still had an over abundance of "if, then" and it only took that one for me to realize.
On the way home that evening I cried out to God right in front of my husband and kids in the car. God, show me! As I looked back down at my open Bible my eyes caught the scripture in Job that I had missed.
Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty
and will lift up your face to God.
You will pray to him, and he will hear you,
and you will fulfill your vows.
What you decide on will be done,
and light will shine on your ways. Job 22: 26-28
"God said to me, I am your Almighty...RETURN TO ME!" God was begging for me to return to Him. I was almost screaming, "I know I'm saved and love Christ but there is MORE." I know there must be something else, something I'm missing because I know GOD HAS MORE! I needed out of the dark place I had been for weeks. I needed the devil and his spirits of doubt and fear to stop rocking my world. I needed to return to the ONE who loved me and gave His Sons life for me. I was missed and He indeed had more!
So I prayed.
The next day I picked up a book off my husbands nightstand. One that was given to me by a friend in my life, the person who wrote it. It was given to me in Dallas after a church service back in August, this was October...why hadn't I opened it before? In this book the first message he wrote that caught my attention was "There is more!" I laid out prostrate, face down on my bed and cried out to God. It's all there. There it is, the MORE that God had for me.
He has more for you too.
This next Bible Study is for me, you can follow along but I will be sharing the amazing truth that God has already revealed and the more He has for us. Is it possible that this new study could be for YOU so that you can hang onto every word until God pours out the MORE He has for you straight into your life. I can not wait to share with you what God has opened my heart to in the last few weeks.
I was so excited to get to got with my son on a field trip today with his class. It was absolutely a joy. When it was over I came home to clean up and wash away the filth from the farm. I couldn't believe the time when and then just now, I was praying..."Oh Lord it's almost time for those boys to get off of the school bus and I'm afraid I will not have time for you today." My prayer immediately was directed back to some study notes I had written just the week prior to today about God and time.
Recently, I went for a run along a creek bank. The trail was stunning and peaceful but as I was running I found I was praying. My desire to feel the presence of good was so strong that I didn't know what to do. Should I just keep running or should I stop. The verse "Be STILL and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 rushed through my head, I found a quite rock, turned my face to the sun and prayed. I wanted nothing more than to receive His Spirit.
When I was done I was heading back and I knew I need to hurry, I had a mile and a half left and I figured only about 15 minutes left on my run if my judgement was correct. That meant I would probably be late. I looked at the time on my phone and could not believe my eyes. It was as time had stopped. I felt I had sat for an eternity (or a long time) and let the sun shine down on me, warm me over and feel His Spirit wash over me. So, when I realized I had about 30 minutes still, I started running again.
Something happens when I run and spend time in prayer. My thoughts become so directed towards Him that I feel I no longer have my own thoughts. I was still in awe at the time when the thoughts came tumbling forward towards my mind.
Time is in His Hands.
He is the beginning and the end.
My Father was from before time.
God does not operate on our time or schedule.
There is a time for everything.
He has the power to stop it...
to stop time,
to move it forward,
to slow it down...
We concern ourselves much to often with our own time. We do not carpe diem.
I remember those days.
Dried jelly stuck to the kitchen floor under the table.
High chair smeared with last nights dinner.
Smelly bibs stacking up in the laundry.
The diaper pail that is never empty.
I remember those days.
Tiny socks with no mates.
Baby powder all over the dresser.
The child that is sick that needs rocking.
Tiny outfits with tiny accessories.
A camera catching almost every moment.
I remember those days that you are experiencing.
Working a job and juggling car seats.
The way cereal never stays in the bowl.
Pop Tart mornings smeared in the hair.
Sick nights and stained carpets.
Missing appointments and forgetting to cook dinner.
Fights with your spouse over whose turn.
Some days seem to drag on when you're at home with your child. Some days you look up and wonder where yesterday went. You spend time making sure you have the right car seat, stroller, diaper bag. You give up on doing dishes at the end of the day. Ponytails and yoga pants are a daily norm. Unless you're dad and ball caps and sweats are the norm. Working moms are always in a hurry and time ticks faster at home.
I have been a work from home mom, a work away from home mom, and a stay at home mom.
I have missed moments and
I have whisked moments away.
I captured important moments with my lens and
I didn't take time to notice some.
Today I was packing away memories that were brought home from my Grandmothers empty house.
I gazed into the eyes of my children staring back in the photographs and paused.
Suddenly, I was choking.
I was trying so hard to swallow.
Tears streamed down my face, chin, neck, chest...
They splashed on the table cloth, the frames, and caught in the hollow of my neck.
When I was a little girl I prayed.
I believed with all my heart that God would allow me to have babies.
I wanted nothing more in this life than to be a mother.
He blessed me three times.
With three sons.
Their baby toys are mostly gone except for a few I saved.
Only a handful of outfits and blankets they wore and were wrapped in are boxed away.
The tiny beds are gone.
Older pictures are replaced by newer ones and they are off to school.
To the mom or dad with the toddler and the baby and the growing children...
Kiss their faces.
Smell their bellies.
Stroke their ears.
Record their laughs.
Capture the moments.
Save the hand prints.
Fold their tiny clothes slowly.
Say "no" to busy.
Say "yes" to snuggles.
Be okay with messy for awhile.
Yes, they cry.
Yes, they scream.
Yes, they destroy like a hurricane.
Yes, they are precious.
To the mom or dad with the children...
They are growing into themselves.
Speak life into them.
Tell them they have purpose.
Show them the little things are important.
They feel little...they are important.
Listen to their words.
Feel their breath in whispers.
Watch their eyelashes flutter in sleep.
Rescue their "lovies".
Kiss their wounds.
Let them cry it out sometimes.
Be thankful for their trails of dirt.
Yes, they are sleepless.
Yes, they are hungry.
Yes, they love you.
I was that mom who needed someone to show her the beauty from time to time.
I was that mom who didn't want to see there was beauty from time to time.
I was that mom that stayed busy
I am that mom who misses their smallness.
I miss their innocence.
My husband almost missed it all.
So, pick them up and dance.
The moments don't last, they don't stick around.
Time ticks on and we grow older.
They do too.
Here are a few (or many) scriptures I love for my tired self...I hope they lift you as well.
Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Psalm 62:1 “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.”
Psalm 4:8 “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
Psalm 127:1-2 “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.”
2 Thessalonians 3:13 “And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.”
Romans 12:11 “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.”
Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
I Kings 8:56 “Praise be to the Lord, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses.”
Jeremiah 31:25 “I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”
Hebrews 12:12-13 “Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”
Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”
Psalm 68:35 “You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people. Praise be to God!”
Romans 8:26-28 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.”
Colossians 1:29 “To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.”
Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Galatians 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Psalm 119:114 “You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.”
Philemon 1:20 “I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ.”
Psalm 18:31-32 “For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.”
Psalm 62:5 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.”
Proverbs 3:24 “When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.”
Exodus 33:14 “The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
Psalm 46:10 “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
I love fall!
I think my favorite part of fall is that I get to wear boots, leggings, scarves, hats, and cardigans.
I do love the pretty colors in the trees and how everything seems to start to settle down in nature.
My wardrobe over the years as become one of many layers.
I wear my cotton T-Shirts year round under layers of sweaters or cardigans.
I wear my shorter knit skirts and dresses with leggings.
I love fall! I love this season of the year best of all!
My times are in Your hand... Psalms 31:15
Season. The word season from the Latin world serere - to sow, and satio - sowing. With a later derivative in Old French seson
Sowing, to sow, season.
A season of sowing. As I looked more deeply into this "season" of life and the meaning, I ran across the origin of the word and that put pause on my writing. Pause long enough to let the imagery of sowing seep into and blend in my mind with my understanding of season.
As I pictured each season with its heat, warmth, coolness, cold; I also pictured sowing. Do the ones who tend gardens year round sow seeds year round? Yes, they do. They sow spring seeds, summer seeds for summer and fall harvests. They sow fall and winter seeds for winter and spring harvests. Always with the intention to harvest.
To sow, to scatter seeds among the earth with the intention of a harvest. To secure a future for a harvest the seeds must be scattered and buried in the earth at the the right time, in the right place, in darkness.
Read Matthew 13:3-8
During this time in my life the season is changing and so are the seeds.
About a week ago I had some girl friends over to my house for a Bible study that we started and there was such a diversity among us. The seasons in life of each girl was how we were most diverse.
My Titus women friends whose kids are grown and now they are raising grand babies or the one who has lost a child and has an ailing husband. My new mommy friends with their toddlers or are pregnant now. There's also the friends that are in the same season of life that I am.
So I started noticing and one day it hit me...
right about the time I went to my yearly doctor visit...
I'm no longer in the season I used to be in.
The breastfeeding book lay on the doctors counter. Pregnant women in the waiting room. Questions about my intentions of growing a family.
I suddenly started feeling as if a door was closing on a part of my life, as if it was not a part I could walk through again.
I thought about my 20's, going to college, getting married, having my family.
My 30's are going to be coming to a close soon and I've been raising my kids.
Back to college.
Back to work
Dealing with middle school stuff of one of my children.
Learning to lean into God and press into my husband too.
Taking care of my health and putting some focus on me.
So much has changed since my twenties. I fight it sometimes.
I still want to adopt a girl into our family.
I still think I'm 26 apparently as I wrote it on a doctors form.
I am now at a time in my life that I'm sure many women or moms do come too.
That door is shutting.
That season is changing.
Sure I've kept some of their baby toys in the attic, outfits that were precious to me but I'm letting go.
I'm no longer holding on.
When did the letting go happen?
This morning as our kids were pulling on jackets and grabbing up backpacks they were happily bouncing off to wait for the bus.
I stood across the kitchen from my husband and smiled.
My boyfriend, my high school sweetheart, my lover, my friend...
I asked "Can you believe we made those guys?"
I'm in awe all of the sudden, in a whole new way, by the miracles before me.
The love of my life smiled, stepped across the room and took me in his arms.
It's a miracle how two makes one. How two become one.
I'm approaching a new season, not quite letting go of the old one yet.
I'm still harvesting from the last season but it's time to sow new seeds for the future.
To clean out the mess of a life's garden to make room for new growth.
To prepare for the new season, the next harvest, a future.
In their shell of darkness, each "seed", each moment and decision, I plant for the future has a life waiting, ready to grow. Ready for it's time to emerge and itself produce.
The new season of me in this life is leading to something beautiful, I can feel it.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven Ecc 3:1
I am not sufficient.
I look at the perfectly blue, cloudless sky and feel so small.
I'm looking up with tears on my face, looking for an answer.
I am not sufficient.
I have sat at my desk today balancing budgets, paying bills, telling my money were to go and frustrated. There is a number on my sheet that I wish wasn't there. There is a number that will move from my budget to my check register and I wish I didn't have to have it. I know many, many parents who feel the same way.
Our children are our responsibility and years ago before my middle son was conceived I prayed for another baby. I wanted a big family and we tried for years to have number 2. One night I laid prostrate out on the bed, not in tears for a new baby but in tears of worry.
That night I gave my first son back to God and saying "I am not sufficient but You are. Watch over my son when I can not, he is Yours not mine. I am just his caretaker while he needs me to be." A month later we were in awe to find that I was pregnant with our second baby. That is not a coincidence. I believe these two events in my life are connected by an eternal Father who was waiting on me to give back to Him and trust Him fully.
This baby boy was born and all circumstances surrounding his birth can be traced back to complete miracles. Nothing was left out of the miracle touch, not his name, not the date, not the year, second, or even the room number he was born in. Everything about this child was a miracle.
Around 2 years old he was still not talking and and participated in at home speech therapy. By age 3 he was riding a little school bus to speech therapy locally and by 5 he was starting Pre-K and had graduated out of speech. Then 1st grade...struggles started and in 2nd grade we found out he was legally blind in one eye and now in 3rd grade his attention and focus are so bad that I'm hurting for him.
So much makes sense now and my intuition always directed me towards a processing disorder... in 3rd grade it was revealed through testing that he indeed had a processing disorder...but which one?
Auditory Processing Disorder
It felt good to finally put a name with what it might be but we need an official diagnosis.
In the meantime...I am not sufficient.
So sitting in my figures of bills and expenses is this number that is looming...it's the price for a prescription. It breaks my heart. I know it will help him focus. He's had it before.
God will provide an answer but in the meantime...
Homework is a struggle.
School work is incomplete.
He doesn't understand directions.
Focus is nonexistent at school
I get calls from the school.
Emails go back and forth from me to the teacher
Meetings are scheduled
Phone calls to doctors for help.
Trips back to doctors offices.
Compared to others who I know are grieving for their children's health this is not a big deal.
But comparison is not an option.
Comparison is inevitable.
Compassion is next.
"And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:16
The little children and Jesus have a special bond.
My son does not worry unless we worry him. He walks blindly through his struggles, knowing they are there but trusting it will all be okay.
That each day will continue to turn over into the next.
That he will still be a child.
He comes home to a safe place were this problem is not seen.
That sweet boy plays with his toys in full concentration, building and exploring, creating and experimenting. It's only when we enter his world and bring our expectations that he is different.
I stand in awe when I am near him. He is a genius in his own mind. His world makes perfect sense to him.
Ours does not.
He can't understand our expectations and is frustrated when he can't meet them.
We work quietly together.
I start the laundry, put everyone else in the bed, and we work.
We work close together to make sure he is understanding.
A piece at a time, a little at a time he understands and remembers or gets it as new.
When he gets it, he gets it in his own way.
“But she came and worshiped him, saying, Lord, help me” Mark 15:25
I am at His complete mercy when it comes to my children.
I was given these sweet souls to raise up.
He gives and He takes away.
Two words: "Help me."
Many times lately before entering a conversation or situation I find that these two little words precede the moment. I know I am not sufficient that I will not say or do the right thing without His guidance.
"Help me, O Lord, my God..." Psalms 109:26
Everything inside of me is trusting God through this.
My sons plight will not define him.
God's love and grace and mercy will.
I am not sufficient.
Thank you, Lord.
I choke all the time.
I choke on my words.
I catch myself trying to say something out loud and shake my head and the words don't come.
Give me a pen and a piece of paper and I can "speak".
It wasn't much to long ago, about a year, that I began praying about my words. They never seem to come out right. Someone asks me a question and a choke. I try to explain something and I choke. I can not for the life of me figure out why it's so hard to speak out loud.
I don't have any problem talking to my kids or husband but still, sometimes, things don't come out right.
I feel like the less I say, the better off I am. My words seem to twist in the air as the come out and by the time they reach someones ears that don't seem right. I don't know what is happening or why or if I just noticed and it's always been this way.
If I'm going to speak it needs to be well thought out and planned. Words don't seem to work for me if it's not been thought about, pondered over, or regurgitated before. If that's the case, they come out beautifully.
I have found that I am in much more deep thought lately about my purpose and life.
We all have a purpose...that means I have a purpose, my husband has a purpose, my kids have a purpose and not one single part of me believes our purpose is just to exist but that we have a job to do.
Lately, I have been struggling with what job that is for myself. Maybe it's because my kids are growing up and they need me in different ways and maybe a little less than the previous year. Maybe it's because I have noticed a shift in those people who I call friends over the years. Maybe it is because what I thought was my purpose turned out to be someone else's but definitely not mine.
If there is one thing that has been a secret passion of mine, it is that from time to time I find a connection that pricks my heart strings and resonates through my soul. That connection is usually in something I read. What that means is that an author, somewhere at sometime in this world was writing and had something on the heart. They put it down and out for the world and let a piece of themselves float around from person to person in hopes that it pricks their hearts and eventually someone like myself discovers that piece and a connection is made.
I believe that an author and a reader have a special connection but two things need to happen for the connection to ever exist...the author has to write
& the reader has to read.
While waiting for the Lord, write. Be strong and take heart, and keep writing for the Lord. — Psalm 27:14
I'm learning and as I learn new things something inside me swells and I want to share what I discover but I don't know how and then I question, is it worth sharing, and then as time passes, I feel it must not be important for someone else, and eventually it is forgotten.
Oh that my words were written with an iron pen on a granite tablet so my story could be read forever. — Job 19:23–24
OH, is that it! Is it my responsibility to sit and write? Is it my responsibility to share? Do I have anything inside me that the world wants to hear? As I sit here in a corner home office with the sunset streaming through the window as my only light source I am typing on a screen. It is peaceful in my house, the kids are helping themselves to dinner prepared. I wonder, is this my happy place? Is this were God intends for me to express my words. Not from my mouth but through my finger tips. Am I to take what I have written in journals and studied in books and move them to a place were others can read...where others can connect.
God’s word is a lamp that lights my writing journey. — Psalm 119:105
Then I ask...me? Really, me? Who am I?
Just like you, I was created.
I am loved.
I am thought of.
I am cherished.
The great I AM resides within me, provides for me, loves me, thinks of me, cherishes me, and He inspires me.
So, I will write what is in me. Not for anyone in particular, just because it's in me. It's there. It's brimming and ready to pour out but if I don't pour it out, God will not continue to fill. I have to be willing to pour out what He is pouring in and willing to let it flow beyond the brimming. I asked Him years ago to let me be a vessel, an empty basin that is hollow and void to be filled and used until I was brimming over.
I write honestly from my heart, seeking to make the truth known. — Job 33:3
If God is our helper when we write, the stories we build cannot be in vain. — Psalm 127:1
When I ponder what to write about, I remember the plights of my past and why I now give you praise. Then I reveal your glory by showing how you've worked in my life. — Psalm 143:5
I am birth mom to my 3 boys, foster mom to 2 sweet babies, wife to my high school sweet heart, and daughter to my King. I love to write. I am no scholar but I love my Lord and He helps me.